Thursday, February 18, 2010

Shame Spiral

Shame Spiral n (via Urban Dictionary) A phenomenon that occurs when one is not only ashamed of something, but *ashamed* that one is ashamed, resulting in an endless decrease in self-confidence, and an exponential increase in self-loathing.

I am a total veteran when it comes to the Shame Spiral.  Most spirals start with beer or end with candy and the very, very best do both.

The other night I was so very excited for the Make & Meaning liveblog on "free."  Around 7 Central I poured myself a cold mug of Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine Style Ale (it is a very delicious "courage") and was ready to participate. 

And then I hijacked the topic.  I don't remember exactly why, but one of the hosts mentioned something about selling yourself, and I asked a question something like "What if you're insecure?" (keep in mind there is a transcript of the entire event, but I'm too deep in the spiral to look), and he responded "JB, Gather your forces."  Totally what I needed to hear. 

But then, OH MY GOD, people know I'm insecure.  OH MY GOD, I am insecure.  OH MY GOD, I hijacked this discussion. 

I piped up on other topics, but gosh it's hard to make a valid point when you're trying to be pithy but feeling like a loser in front of the very gods of craft.  You know that part in Kill Bill where she's trying to dig herself out of the grave with one little fist?  That was me, and it was embarrassing. I felt like the subject of a universal eye roll.  Please tell me I'm not the only one who's ever felt that way. 

The great thing about a shame spiral is it can start out with something small and eventually manifest into "that's it, no crafts this week."  I know I'll be over it soon, but until then, it's back to this bag of Sweetarts.  And oh, can someone grab me another beer?

BTW - E just had another bday, and I'm never too ashamed to wish my bestie the very best!


kendra said...

i totally did not notice! and i am glad you participated! it was hard to know what to say, and still connect too! hey, they were screening comments, so if they felt it was a 'hijack', they coulda easily left it out. it was freakin' phenomenal to be actually conversing with the gods of craft, but i think the point is that we're all craft-god(desse)s, in our own right too. rock on, sista.

Jenny said...

Kendra, you are ever so awesome! That's the great thing about a shame spiral - I'm the only one who notices or cares. But hey, I'm always willing to be an example of the self-loathing crafter. Thanks for the reassurance and rock on, yourself!

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