Thursday, December 31, 2009

Helpful Hints: Happy New Year!

Yes, your head will feel like it's been beaten by hail, but wasn't it worth it?

New Years comes but once a year, so it's important to plan before you step out the door

1. Get Your Story Straight: Whether you're heading out to a party or a random bar, it's important to have a prepared statement ready.  This year has been full of crap, right?  I mean, you're unemployed, your kid's been sick all year, you made someone cry with a crafted item (that might have been last year, but moving on).  Tonight is the night to be upbeat and spin your story like you're on the O'Reilly Factor.  Something good happened this year, right?  You didn't kill anybody, right?  Right?  Oh good.  And hey, if you're not going to see your usual crowd, no reason you can't change your name, age, and occupation for the night.  E and I used to go by "Mathilda" and "Venetta."  I can't remember our occupation - too much drinking.  Which brings me to my next point...

2.  Start drinking NOW! You've already done all your thinking for the night - time to do all your drinking.  The key is to go out in a group or with your SO who has been watching you drink and cares deeply about your well-being.  When they're ready to go, they'll realize there is no way you can be the designated driver. And you'll get carried everywhere. Some may see this as selfish, but gosh, you can be selfless next year.  (And never drink and drive.  The more you know )

3.  Do Not Call Your Family: And most importantly, do not hang out with your family.  Didn't you just do that for Christmas?  Remember how "fun" that was?  You want to spend the most reflective day of the year with folks who remind you of your faults with spiteful regularity?  Better to hang out with bartenders - people you pay give the best comforting hugs 

4.  Have a Glass of Water: Oh no, you're that crying lump in the corner, aren't you?  Keep an eye on your driver and start downing some water.  No need to burden others with your trouble - just wallow a little and rehydrate.  Then wipe up that mascara and start planning for next year. 

5.  Make Resolutions Wisely: If you have loving friends like mine, they will remind you of those well-meaning resolutions you made once you start to fail (around January 3).  Don't be like me (for a lot of reasons).  Step 1 would have been a good time to get this together, but if not, go with "Lose 10 pounds."  Nothing too hard to do, and nothing too hard to lie about.  Then, have a little salt.  Have a couple cookies.  Have a couple pizzas.  When you weigh in tomorrow morning, you can mark down that inflated number with pride, knowing full well you're going to keep that resolution.  If that fails (or if you suspect seeing that number tomorrow will induce crying, wailing, and lipo) try a resolution you can't help but keep: "This year, I resolve to buy more yarn, drink more beer, and type more long and rambling blog posts."  Ah, done and done.


D & E said...

So, number 2... Why is it that you, Stretch & the Russian left me @ Shooters? Shoeless? Without a ride home? Or a key to where my keys were? Only to sleep @ random Marines house? Huh? Well, as long as someone carried you home.

Thats it, resolution made. Make new friends!

Jenny said...

E - that's why I'm qualified to make these suggestions. Life experience. Resolution - make new friends, but keep the old! Miss you!

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