Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Helpful Hints: How to Gain More Weight During the Holidays

Scanning for internet patterns, as long as the example photo includes the colors red, green, blue, or white, counts as a holiday activity, and thus, deserves a holiday snack.

Today I got an email from a dear friend that included lower-calorie versions of my Thanksgiving favorites.  I think this email misses an important point: calories are what make things delicious.  There is no time like the winter holidays to eat the most delicious food our country has to offer.  Ten months of the year we're eating slop, and in Tulsa, anything that does not involve an oven because humans were not meant to endure that much heat.  We're left with two measley months to fit in all the cookies and candies and baked deliciousness passed down for generations, and you want me to eat low calorie?  Sorry, but momma's gonna pack on some fat for the winter. 

Below, some helpful hints to ensure you get enough holiday calories into your system before it's back to Snackwells and Hamburger Helper.

1. Shop early for prepackaged treats - not my proudest moment, but the other night I begged the BF to shuffle me from store to store searching for Almond Crescents, the Christmas-only Keebler cookie.  Damn you, elves.  I ended up having to substitute Wedding Cake cookies, which taste a lot like the discontinued Archway Cashew Nougats (RIP).  But there is more than just cookies - go to Starbucks and get some overpriced peppermint latte with whole milk in one of those festive red cups.  Buy some Peanut Butter M&Ms with those little tree pictures on them - they're already out.  I mean, why wait to get chunky?  If you were hit by a sleigh tomorrow, would you be big enough to be burried in your holiday-themed fat pants?

2. Eat holiday foods any time you're engaging in a holiday activity  - Everyone has eggnog and cookies while trimming the tree, and even your point-counting friends won't bat an eye.  The key here is to take on more holiday activites, providing more noshing opportunities.  Shopping of all kinds: online, in person, and window are all good reasons to have another fudge-covered Oreo.  But also include: time spent researching holiday crafts, holiday crafting, and talking on the phone to family and friends.  If commericals want me to think that talking to my mom on the phone is more special because it's the holidays, then damn it, it's a holiday activity.  Please also note that all above activites should include coffee or eggnog, and that those drinks should be spiked depending on the number of family members present. 

3. Add treats to everyday foods - the other night I put chocolate chips in my coffee.  Why?  Probably because we had them (a bonus lesson here - stock up on everything and open all those packages so you're not stopped by the guilt of thinking someone will know you were in the so-and-so).  It was yummy, and next time, I might add some whipped cream. A month from now, each cup of coffee will look less like a drink and more like a sundae.

4. Make crafts with food - Why do you think your goofy coworkers give you cookie trays?  Because they want you to be happy, or because they know you won't count to be sure they are 12, not 11, cookies on the tray?  Last year bf and I crafted 25 chocolate-filled advent calendars, and we made sure the kids got all our favorites.  We had to go back to the store a few times because no matter how many times I multiplied 25 x 25, we kept running out of candy.  Hmmm...

5. Hit clearance sales to extend your heft into next year - Sure, you'll feel bad January 1 and vow to lose all the weight, but come January 8, you'll be off the wagon and needing some candy.  Clearance candy makes you feel good on two levels - you're so thrifty and you're so diabetic.  Wait, that first one only makes you feel good on the way to a coma.  Curses. 

That's all for now.  May your holidays be filled with fat and guilt for you and yours!  

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